The world as we know it is changing constantly by the minute, by the hour. There is a lot of uncertainty out there due to COVID-19, better known as the Coronavirus. For me, there is major uncertainty and also anxiety. I have been a bit quiet about it this past week. It has affected me A LOT. So much that I have been in physical pain, having mini panic attacks, and nightmares.
Of course, my major concern is money. The appointments were trickling in when I went back to sex work full time in February. Before everything became more restrictive, I thought my business would finally pick up enough to create steady income. The past six to eight months before February, have fallen off significantly. My usual traveling businessmen, whom often book longer engagements, were not booking me as often. I wasn't attracting local or new clientele. Sex work was slim pickings for me.
At my full time civvie job, I was stressed out so much that it hurt my performance, plus the working environment was too unprofessional and immature for me. I eventually parted ways with my job at the end of January. I had my part time civvie gig, too, but it was still part time. I had a major hole in my monthly income. I hoped with my increased availability, that I would get more appointments to filled the gap in my income. It did somewhat, but it wasn't steady, yet. Now my part time job is on hold until who knows, but at least will be paid for the shifts I was scheduled for the rest of this month. I don't know what or if I get any shifts in the future months.
So like many others, I am stressed. Extremely stressed that if we are still under social distancing guidelines for more than the anticipated three weeks, the loss of income can be significant and can lead to me not being able to fulfill most of my financial obligations, including paying for the renewal of this website next month. By the way, don't come at me about having savings stored, I do have some, but I have a few significant repairs needed on my car that have to be done at least the end of May to pass inspection. Right now, I'm holding off just in case if I or my child have a medical emergency. Right now, my car still runs fine and safely.
Also I am very worried about my family and friends, many are in the high risk category. Many are not in the best health and don't have the means for treatment if they had a positive COVID-19 diagnosis. Plus there is my child, whose school is now closed. It's been a challenge to keep him focused on his supplemental school work. Also he's been looking online for more information on COVID-19 and watching news reports. Even though he doesn't tell me directly how he's feeling or if he's worried, but I can sense it. I try to get him to be more open to me, so he won't internalize it buy checking in on him and assuring him that he can come to me if he wants to talk or vent. Also, we have been trying to do activities that do not surround the virus and what's going on now. But I feel that it's not enough and I should be doing more, but I don't know what to do.
Things are constantly changing. Times I feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm a planner. I like to plan out my days, weeks, and months ahead. Now I can't. I don't know what the future holds and it's giving me anxiety. I wish there was sign saying that it will be okay. It probably will, but right now I don't feel it.
Physically, I have been having a lot of tension in my back and my sciatica is acting up, too. Some days it's hard to get out of bed, stand, or walk. Times I wish I had a walker or cane to ease the pressure of my back and walk better. Constant headaches and random weeping episodes have occurred. I have to have a glass or few of wine most nights to sleep. I put on binaural beats or relaxing sound effects to help ease my nightmares. I do use a weighted blanket and it has helped some. I also feel withdrawn and I can't talk to others. I often put on a smile to show some type of strength, even though on the inside I'm dealing with physical and emotional pain.
A picture of cherry blossoms that I took.